


I'm Sorry

by JessicaMDawn



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-02
Updated: 2005-05-02
Packaged: 2017-11-21 16:27:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/599798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessicaMDawn/pseuds/JessicaMDawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even when you want someone with all your heart, it doesn't mean there won't be mistakes. And it doesn't mean that you won't betray the one you love. There is no happy ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Sorry

You seemed so happy when we first met. So innocent, so sweet, so perfect in every way. I knew then and there that I wanted to be your friend. So...I did. I became your best friend. No one else could come close. No one picked on you, because they'd have to answer to me.

I loved when you were scared, not for the fact that you were scared but because you would always come to me at those times. When you were upset, I was your comfort. When you were tired, I was your ride home. When you needed it, I was your help.

Then _she_ came. Everything changed. It wasn't just me and you anymore. And though her sudden appearance surprised and inspired me...It angered me. You took to her so well. I guess I was overreacting though. You could take well to the lowest dirt bag in the universe. But, it seemed you liked her more than me now...

You and I spent more and more time with her. And your affections for her seemed to grow. Everything had been perfect until she showed up. Why? Why did she appear? Was the world out to get me? I felt myself wanting. Wanting the power, the ability, to make her disappear.

I wanted you all to myself. I wanted to leave the island with you. But by the time the idea was discussed, she was already wedged in too deep. I couldn't make her stay behind. I saw how thrilled you were at the idea, even if not as much as she was. The idea was fascinating to you.

I loved making you smile. Your smiles were my world, but you never knew. You never knew that, if you were to leave - to disappear - how I would die. I loved your smile. The way your hair was cut in an odd way and blew in the wind. I loved the way you would stumble if you ran too much or tripped over the smallest things.

I loved the way you loved life. The way you wore your clothes slightly baggy, so you were comfortable. The way you never gave up, no matter what wall you came up against. Then, I saw that you liked her more than me. And I knew, I _knew_ , that it'd take a miracle for you to like me like that. Your smiles were given more often to her. Her happiness was the world to you, like yours was to me.

When the island disappeared, when the darkness came, I had already accepted that the darkness in my heart came from my deprivation. I gladly accepted another way to leave that place - without her. But, you wanted to bring her with us. I was glad to let you have your way, as long as you were happy and with me.

But it all went wrong! It wasn't supposed to happen like it did! You were supposed to take my hand, like you always used to. But I saw...you were afraid of me. Afraid of _me_. And that was it. My eyes became cold, like my heart became guarded. I became a puppet. A puppet in a maniac's game.

Every time I saw you again, the barriers began to come down. I knew I had to get stronger, or risk letting you brake me again. I was broken the day you showed your fear of me. I'd be broken again if you got too close. Even with my trying, I couldn't guard myself when you came into view.

Every day, I would reach out. Reach out to you, back on the island, and hope that...this time...you'd take my hand. But you never did. It took all I had to keep my face straight whenever you were near me.

The day they found Kairi, I saw. I saw my chance to fix my walls. If you saw her, if you chose, I'd be alright. But, when you did see her...you chose, and you chose _her_. For a moment, I couldn't breathe. Why?

So I kept you from her. My heart began to freeze like my eyes. I started to lose myself completely to the darkness I'd surrounded myself in. When we fought, it became a welcome distraction from my boredom. I became a monster.

But I became an actual monster the day I let _him_ control me. He used me. He _used_ me! I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand _him_! I couldn't stand _me_! I couldn't stand anything! And I knew. It was all my fault. Everything.

I knew why you were afraid of me, so long ago now it seems. You weren't afraid of me, the man you knew. You were afraid of _me_ , the man I was becoming. I never saw the signs, I was blind. And I'm sorry for that.

Once I was taken over, I seemed to see things so clearly. I became...me again. I dreamt of the days on Destiny Islands. I wanted nothing more than to be back there with you. But I could hardly care less for _her_. And he taunted me. He played mind games with me. Turning my dreams to nightmares where I stabbed you in the back...and in truth, that was probably my reality.

I looked back and saw every time we'd met since the Isles. Every time you saw me, on _their_ side, every moment I was against you. And I saw the hurt. I saw the sadness in your eyes. And I finally understood. _You've always been reaching for me too..._

Your eyes, silently pleading with me. Asking me why.

' _Why did you betray me?'_

' _Why are we fighting this way?'_

' _Why do you hate me?'_

_I don't_! I don't hate you! I could _never_ hate you! _Please_! Please forgive me! I give you the choice! Let me live or _kill me._ I don't care anymore! Because I know I hurt you...More than once...

When he took full control, I could see it all. I saw the way you fought, and when he nearly beat you. As he was walking towards you, in _my_ body, I hated myself more than _ever_! I called to you. I told you to run, but you didn't hear me. You couldn't.

I think, since it was learned that Kairi was inside of you, that _she_ was the one to save you that time. And...it _hurt_. I could no longer be your comfort.

You beat me, well... _him_. But you _won_! I was so glad! You _survived_! But, he didn't leave. That bastard was still there and I still had no control. I had to sit back, in this invisible, new me...and watch you give your life for her.

It broke my heart. For more reasons than one. You gave your life, you were gone. And it was basically _all. my. fault._ But, you hadn't given your life for _me._ You sacrificed your life, you _heart_ , for _her_. I cried.

All I could do now for you was save the one you loved; if it was the last thing I did. And somewhere in my tainted heart, I wished it _was_ the last thing I did. I wanted to die. They escaped, and he was furious. But I didn't care. My sunshine, my morning light, my breath of life, my beauty...was gone...

I don't remember how now, but he heard you were alive. And, through my joy, I was depressed. To learn that it was her... _her_...who saved you. Why? Why was it all about her now? _I_ wanted to save you, _I_ wanted to be near you... _Always_...

I was so happy when I saw you, on the other side of the door. But I knew we could never be together. Because _she_ existed. I told you to protect her, because otherwise I could never fulfill my goal to protect the one you loved. I really wanted to cry when I told you to close the door. I was to be forever barred from what I desire most. So let me be a comfort to you one _last_ time.

I smile.

You promised me, with your eyes, that you would never give up. With the words you told _him_ you _assured_ me you would never give up. Please, don't let me down, like _I_ let you down.

And I'm sorry. I know an apology is useless and heals none of the damage I've created. I've become a murderer. I can _never_ again look you in the eye. Your beautiful, peaceful, yet _pain filled_ clear blue eyes.

I'm sorry. I never wanted any of this to happen. I'm _so_ sorry. I never meant for it to get this bad. I'm sorry for not realizing it sooner. I'm sorry for being so arrogant, self-centered, _selfish_. I never _ever_ wanted to hurt you the way I did.

My sorrow will never correct what I have done. I realize now: _I broke myself_. I wanted so badly to not be broken by you that I didn't notice...I'd broken myself a _long_ time ago. The moment I betrayed you I was broken beyond repair.

Your eyes speak volumes to me in our last moments together.

' _I don't blame you.'_

' _Thank you for everything.'_

' _It's alright'_

Why? Even through the sadness, that's what I see. I don't deserve your forgiveness yet, and still I have to ask again.

Please, I beg you. As the door of finality closes between us; as we are cut off from one another for an almost eternity; as I gaze at your beautiful face _one last time_...I must beg, plead, pray, and hope. Please...

Forgive me...Sora...

_I love you..._


End file.
